Once again, Black Magic Unspillable Stout presents: Real Avatars of Genius!
((singer): REEEEEAL AVATARS OF GENIUS!)
Today, we salute you, Mr. Virtual Stalker.
(MIS-TER VIR-TU-AL A-VA-TAR STALKEEERRRR!)
In the land of pixels, breaking into someone’s house to watch them sleep just isn’t romantic enough for you.
(EDWARD YOU SPARKLY STALKER-ASS FREAK!)
Getting someone’s name tattooed all over you like this guy just doesn’t work the same.
(RUN, BRENDA, RUUNNN!)
No, you, Mr. Virtual Stalker, you are on a whole new level of batshit crazy. Your tenacity is the stuff of legend. The word “no” is simply not in your vocabulary.
(AND NEITHER ARE THE WORDS ‘MUTE’, ‘BAN’, OR ‘RESTRAINING ORDER’)
You know it’s simply a matter of time before the object of your attention comes around, and sees how perfect for them you are.
(WHAT’S A CALENDAR YEAR–OR TWO OR THREE–WHEN LOOOOOVE IS ON THE LINE?!)
You know that right now they’re just giving you secret messages, holding back the way they really feel about you.
(YOUR LIPS SAY ‘LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE’ BUT YOUR EYES SAY….)
And you’re so tenacious, in fact, that if your prey–er, true love–shuts you out, you know you’re only a few clicks away from a spy and/or sockpuppet.
(WON’T SHE BE SURPRISED…)
Never mind that your true love can see right through it.
(IT JUST PROVES SHE LOVES YOU… SOMEHOW…)
Never mind that you had to lie through your teeth just to get her to talk to you. After all her trusting nature is just one of those things you adore about her.
(WRITING A BOOK MY PALE ELFY ASS!)
While a normal person would consider spending months or years buzzing around someone wasted time, you know that a moment spent aggravating someone in the name of love is never wasted.
(SERIOUSLY GET AT LEAST ONE LIFE ALREADY)
So here’s to you, Mr. Virtual Stalker. YOU are a Real Avatar of Genius.
(REEEEAL AVATAR OF GENIUS!)