For as long as I’ve been in SL, I’ve been an elf. I couldn’t just spell out why I made that decision, just that it’s what I’ve always been and what I’ve always felt like being.
This evening, I let a couple people see a more human side. I’ve said before, the hardest thing for me to let people see is Someone Who’s Hurting. I’m much more willing to show a pixellated nude body (after all, it’s not my own) than anything resembling coming apart emotionally.
Tonight a friend asked me in IM how I’m doing in RL, and I just started crying instantly. She didn’t see or hear it at the time of course, but there was something powerful and liberating about it. Like I was given an invitation to be me, myself, not my character. It’s still terrifying, however, to bring RL me into SL. I do SL to make the time when I’m hurting (physical or emotional) go by faster; a kind of anesthesia for when RL gets, well, like mine has lately.
What’s hard, though, and what I can’t explain, is why I haven’t brought anything about this at all to the person I have often called my best friend in SL. In fact I haven’t been able to bring myself to say anything at all to him in days. I don’t know why. I feel like I owe him better than this, but what do I say? How can I articulate what’s going on in my head when I don’t even know how to put it down in words for myself? The reason I’ve stayed here is out of loyalty to this person. And, because, I love Northfarthing.
And maybe I’m just coming to the realization that it doesn’t love me back.
And maybe I’m coming to the realization that this one-sidedness is just too much for an elf to bear. There comes a time when you just have to realize, it doesn’t do to feel this anymore. You move forward, you turn away, because it’s the only reasonable thing to do. And that hurts.
And maybe I’m not just facing that reality when it comes to Northfarthing either.
And what do you say when that happens? Is there anything to say?
I would just really like one of my lives to make sense, and soon please.