Posted in day-to-day, out of character, personal, updates

In this world

I miss the Grid so, so, desperately much right now.

It’s so hard, day after day in this world.

I’m getting by. I’m safe. I’ve got people around me.

But I miss the beautiful Otherworld and its bubble and its magic so much. I miss being Mistletoe so deeply. I want so badly to take a break from this world that words fail me. I’m on the wagon, but fuck, it’s so hard.

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Posted in addiction, entertainment, events, Manic Elf, out of character, personal, recovery, RL, updates

I miss you.

So the next Second Life Birthday is in planning stages. 13 already. Damn. Does that mean that this June would be my 10th rez-day?

SLBs are the hardest time of year for me to keep away from SL, because they’re some of the best of what the grid has to offer all in one convenient spot: a font of creativity and genius, without the Lab putting their dirty hands on it. It’s hard not to miss that; I would be lying if I said I didn’t.

And there are people I miss a lot too. I try to keep up on emails, or chatting with them on Facebook or Twitter, but it’s really not as easy to keep that connection without the medium on which you made the connection in the first place. I want to, though. If you see this and haven’t heard from me in a while: I miss you.

I logged on my alts once, about two weeks or so ago, to shake them down for loose change. It was a little, just under a hundred bucks, and is helping us get through a tight spot. The spots are always so tight these days. My job isn’t going so great, but I’m working and trying to further myself in it. I can’t really afford my hobbies (SCA and LARP) anymore, either in money or in time.

I do have a Fiverr gig going on now, though. After playing Undertale (which a friend got me for Xmas) I’ve wanted to live in an 8bit world a while longer, so I fired up RPGMaker and now I make custom video-game greeting cards for five bucks a pop. Nothing too fancy, but cute as hell: a custom sprite of the recipient solves a puzzle, opens a door, and gets a personalized message from the sender. You should have a look! And if you’re on the evil Book of Faces, you should like my page and share the love!

I’m tempted, speaking of Fiverr, of doing machinima videos of firework greetings like I used to do. But that would mean investing myself in SL again and I don’t think I should do that.

Anyway, that’s what’s going on in my world. What’s going on in yours?

Posted in day-to-day, personal

Another Phase Out

Deleted a chunk of people from the friends list at SL yesterday. People that I talk to already out of SL (so no need to keep them on my friends list), people I’m likely to never talk to, or else haven’t talked to in like five years, or else have no recollection of who they are.

I am the WORST about letting go of things. I keep people on my friends list when I know for a fact that they are literally not breathing anymore, because I like to hold onto the reminder of them. I kinda horde in that way. And I won’t even START about my inventory.

But, I am trying to let go of this thing, and one of the ways to do that, is to make steps to clear out my friends list. So while I try and say to myself “they won’t mind…” the more likely fact is “they won’t notice”.

In other news, the friend who wrote me and said “I don’t want to be [Avatar Name] anymore” has taken the plunge, sold their land, and cashed out. It’s one person I won’t have to remove from my friends list because I’ve already been removed from theirs. We still keep in touch via email, and it sounds like things are really looking up in this person’s world.

A hard thing for me is that I kind of replace one addictive behavior with another addictive behavior. Lately my addictive behavior is stupid Facebook games. I like to think I’m practicing moderation, and relative to eight hours a day, I am. I’ve still got a way to go. Bit by bit. I’m really being tested lately, because there’s Uncertainty About Life going on, but I’m doing my best to bravely face what I need to before zoning out in front of Monster Busters.

Posted in addiction, personal, recovery

” I don’t want to be [Avatar Name] anymore.”

One of the hardest things about withdrawal from Second Life has been the loss of touch with my SL friends (see previous blog post). There’s some on Skype who aren’t on Twitter, some who aren’t on Twitter or Skype but only on email, some I can just never seem to pin down in any way at all. But fortunately we haven’t all disappeared completely off the face of one another’s planets. Mostly we all keep in touch via email (but that does remind me to turn Skype on. BRB.).
Continue reading “” I don’t want to be [Avatar Name] anymore.””

Posted in personal, RL

“Why wouldn’t I want to be Mistletoe?”

For some people, it’s an evil and sexually deviant world, with nothing positive to recommend it whatsoever, filled with people who only want to take from you and have nothing to offer of their own. A world rife with seductive delights and temptations as though coded by Satan himself. For others, it’s the very Fountain of Youth, an amazing world of limitless potential and power, a step toward a Gene Roddenberry-esque utopian future.

To me, Second Life was neither of these things. It was a Thing I Did. It was the place where I’d log on for eight and sometimes more hours a day. I’d be part of (and sometimes leader of) a community of people. I talked to my friends. I made things, and made some modest amount of money. I was Mistletoe.

And really, why wouldn’t I want to be Mistletoe? Mistletoe was brilliant, creative, talented, ultra-popular, even a little famous in some circles. I mean sure, I’m smart and creative away from the keys too, but what have I got to show for it here? Not as much as in Second Life, that’s for damn sure. In Second Life I’ve organized festivals, owned shops, owned successful pubs, run for office, played music (both as a performer and as a DJ), prepared virtual food that people adore, officiated two weddings, traveled, explored, had whirlwind romances, explored fantasies, raised a hefty donation for a RL charity, written how-to articles respected by many, danced like a pro, made costumes… hell what haven’t I done? I’ll tell you: I haven’t been sick, needed car repairs, been short on bills, wondered what to have for dinner tonight, watched dishes pile up, run out of prescription meds, or been at a loss for what I should do now. Who wouldn’t rather be the former than the latter?

And when my real life got harder, Second Life became more appealing. And when I got more entrenched in my Second Life, my real life became a garden more overgrown from neglect. I couldn’t get together with friends at this date at this time, sorry, I have a commitment. I’m not available to come in for work for this extra shift, I promised my Second Life people I’d be there for a thing then. I didn’t tell my boss that of course. And what was my solution to seeing less and less of my friends? Inviting them to meet me inworld, of course. I’ll get your avatar to look just like you want. I’ll even set you up to make a few lindens selling content that you (actually I) make. It’ll be great! I couldn’t understand why my friends weren’t finding the same joy that I did in Second Life. They didn’t find it as easy to get around, had a harder time with the learning curve, just weren’t feeling it. They left SL and don’t miss it. How could that be?

Finally my RL came to a point that I had to pull away. It was July, and I was having my annual wane in interest anyway. But besides that, we were 3500 miles away from our friends and family, in San Diego. Himself had lost his job. I didn’t have a job at all. We had a hard decision to make, and ultimately that decision was to move back across the country, just three months after packing up our lives and moving to California. That meant a forced period of withdrawal while on the road: detox time. I had real problems to face and had to face them with my undivided attention: watch the road. Stay in my lane. Get the cat into the hotel. Set the alarm to get up early tomorrow.

Fortunately none of my SL people were concerned about my absence; they knew I was moving and looked forward to having me back when the time came. Well and good.

Of course, once I got to my destination back East, I had things to do. We have to find work. We have to sort out commuting. We have to find a place to live. We’re going to have to get furniture. I have to get a new doctor, and a new prescription for the medicine I need in order to keep my bipolar managed. We have bills to pay, a cat to feed, a car to maintain. I want to look into going to school. So my period away from SL got longer, and really, I didn’t mind.

But my SL people started to worry. One e-mailed to tell me so. So I’m here to tell all of you now, this is NOT the time to worry about me. Yes, I’m having RL stress and struggles. So are all of you, I’m certain. What I’m not doing anymore, is anesthetizing myself with Second Life. When I was logging on 8 hours a day? THAT was the time to worry.

Now I’m not saying that everyone in SL is addicted and in denial. No. I’m not saying that at all. Some people can have a cigarette when they go to the bar on Friday and not need another. Some people can have a beer and be done. Some people can go to a casino with five bucks and leave when it’s spent.

I AM NOT THAT PERSON.

According to the American Psychiatric Association, there are nine criteria for the proposed diagnosis of video game addiction.

  1. Preoccupation. When I wasn’t logged on, I was thinking about SL all the time. I was talking about doings in SL with my husband the way most people talk about their day of work. When I had a job, I was thinking about when I could get home and log on.
  2. Withdrawal. For the most part I’m not dealing much with this. I’m not angry, or irritable without SL. However I do find myself with a LOT of free time and no idea what to do with it.
  3. Tolerance. Meaning, did I need to log on for increasing amounts of time, get better equipment, have more excitement in order to enjoy SL as much as I used to? I can’t say that. I do know that I’d taken on more and more responsibilities and projects and that I must have gotten some payoff from it. Enjoyment just wasn’t it.
  4. Inability to reduce/stop. Do I feel like I should log on less, but find myself unable to do so? Before my so-called “forced detox”, yes. Absolutely. And then I would feel guilty for pissing my day away on SL instead of sending that email, making that phone call, doing those chores. And then I’d log on for the same amount of time the next day.
  5. Giving up other activities. I mentioned that already.
  6. Continuing despite problems. It mentions continuing on even though I’m aware of it causing problems. Thing is, I’m not sure I was aware it was causing the problems of decreased sleep, decreased hygiene, withdrawal from my friends in RL.
  7. Deceiving/Covering up how much time spent logged on. I don’t think I’ve done that. I’ve been pretty honest about it I think.
  8. Escaping adverse moods by logging on. Abso-fucking-lutely. The more out of control my RL got, the more I wanted to be in control of something. That “something” wasn’t filling out the paperwork or going to the bank; it was logging onto the world I could control.
  9. Risking/losing relationships/opportunities. I don’t know. I honestly don’t. I mean sure my relationship with himself is strong, I think he’s just come to accept SL as part of my day-to-day life. But as for opportunities: probably. But is that addiction, or is that part of the depression with my bipolar? I can’t say.

I do know that the YouTube video “IRL/In Real Life” really spoke to me. Each time Anthony says “…and then a new expansion came out” I gave a knowing nod.

So… am I an addict, or am I just looking for an easy epiphany to explain the hole? I don’t know. I can’t answer that now. But I do know that I have LOTS of hours in the day to fill, and that I’m almost 40, no college education, not much of anything that can go on a resume, and not satisfied with that. I’ve GOT to do something different about that, and I’ve held myself back from that for six years now.

Posted in personal, rant

I often wonder…

I often wonder if people who play pretendy-slave-time are ever members of a race descended from hundreds of years of REAL slave-time.

I often wonder if people who play pretendy-slave-time were ever in abusive relationships, or know someone who’s been in an abusive relationship, and how they reconcile that with pretendy-slave-time. And don’t misunderstand me, I don’t mean BDSM. Even though that’s not my cup of tea I can at least respect it, especially when it embraces the mantra of “safe, sane, consensual”. Pretendy-slave-time strikes me as less than sane and often less than consensual.

I often wonder if people who play pretendy-slave-time would be OK with their kids playing pretendy-slave-time. Or if they consider that over 100,000 kids in this country are bought and sold into REAL slave-time per year, or if that really matters to them at all because after all it’s just pretendy time to them.

I often wonder why people who play pretendy-slave-time think that their pretendy-slave-time is art. Okay, maybe not often, but I sure wondered it today. But rather than wonder these things out loud, I just brought it back over here to my pretendy-blog-time. P.S., I’m no longer in Second Life Arts on Google+.

Posted in business in SL, personal, updates

On Closing Clover’s, and more

Made the announcement, trimmed the friend’s list a little (basically any time I couldn’t answer the question “Who is this person?”) and now I’m a bit saddened.

I have the tier on the supermarket parcel til Oct. 3rd. I’m closing shop on the 1st. I figure a day or two of redirecting LMs, then on the last day, blow it up. I’m saddened because all good things must end. But as a wise robot once said, it need not be a sad end or a serious one.

As for what’s next, I don’t really have a SL-based answer. I have a place to stay, much thanks to my good friend Tel. I’m also putting the Lionheart Times on hiatus so I’ll likely close the office to that before too long too. Then again, it’s not a lot of expense, and it’s some comfort having a space. Eh, we’ll see.

Another friend of mine is closing his shop as well, for many of the same reasons that I’m closing mine. He’s found joy in RPing and in streaming entertainment. I just don’t have much SL joy right now. Even Petal’s getting a bit bored.

Right now my joy is in RL, and in the brief space between unbearably hot summer and wonderful, wonderful autumn (wonderful, that is, except for allergies). August never seems to last long enough. I pick blackberries and cook with them, I work on sewing SCA garb, I write and I make comics and I sleepwalk way too much on social media. I’m not depressed with life at all, I’m just not feeling SL is all.