On Hero Worship

“Living in the Limelight, the universal dream
For those who wish to seem;
But those who wish to be…”
–Rush, Limelight.

Hero worship is a strange, curious thing.

You admire someone you don’t really know, for whatever reason, and you start to build a pedestal out of what you imagine about them. And then when you do meet them, you have all these expectations of how the meeting will go and, again, what the person must be like. Inevitably there’s a let-down.

Or at least, that’s what my experiences have been like, as a hero-worshipper.

It’s also really odd being the hero-worshippee. You think, “What does this person mean they’ve always wanted to meet me? I’m just, this, person, ya know? I do what I do and like what I like and whatever.” And you get a bit of “What if I don’t live up to this person’s expectations of me?” (spoiler: see the word “inevitably” above).

So why do we do it?

Last year, around SL9B, I started to get to know people whose names I had heard before, people I called “Somebodies.” Some, I was familiar with their work and really love what they do and was very excited to meet them. Some, I got the impression were jerk-faces who really turned out not to be. OK, one. And that one said something to me that really stuck: “There are no Somebodies. Anyone who isn’t himself is Nobody.” And of all the people I met last summer, that one “jerk-face” is the one I’d most likely call a friend.

So when someone came up to me and said, “OMG Mistletoe! THE Mistletoe!” my first thought was, “WTF did I do to earn a definite article?” But then I thought, whatever the reason, something I’ve done made an impression on him, a good one, and while he doesn’t really know ME, he does know my work and THAT is what he’s complimenting. So I just said, “Thank you.”

Then later I thought, “That was weird.”

Many Happy Returns, Derren and Tel

Last night I had the honor of officiating the wedding of one of my longest SL friends, Teleny Macarthur, to Derren Nexen (now Macarthur).

Real Avatars of Genius

Once again, Black Magic Unspillable Stout presents: Real Avatars of Genius!

((singer): REEEEEAL AVATARS OF GENIUS!)

Today, we salute you, Mr. Virtual Stalker.

(MIS-TER VIR-TU-AL A-VA-TAR STALKEEERRRR!)

In the land of pixels, breaking into someone’s house to watch them sleep just isn’t romantic enough for you.

(EDWARD YOU SPARKLY STALKER-ASS FREAK!)

Getting someone’s name tattooed all over you like this guy just doesn’t work the same.

(RUN, BRENDA, RUUNNN!)

No, you, Mr. Virtual Stalker, you are on a whole new level of batshit crazy. Your tenacity is the stuff of legend. The word “no” is simply not in your vocabulary.

(AND NEITHER ARE THE WORDS ‘MUTE’, ‘BAN’, OR ‘RESTRAINING ORDER’)

You know it’s simply a matter of time before the object of your attention comes around, and sees how perfect for them you are.

(WHAT’S A CALENDAR YEAR–OR TWO OR THREE–WHEN LOOOOOVE IS ON THE LINE?!)

You know that right now they’re just giving you secret messages, holding back the way they really feel about you.

(YOUR LIPS SAY ‘LEAVE ME THE FUCK ALONE’ BUT YOUR EYES SAY….)

And you’re so tenacious, in fact, that if your prey–er, true love–shuts you out, you know you’re only a few clicks away from a spy and/or sockpuppet.

(WON’T SHE BE SURPRISED…)

Never mind that your true love can see right through it.

(IT JUST PROVES SHE LOVES YOU… SOMEHOW…)

Never mind that you had to lie through your teeth just to get her to talk to you. After all her trusting nature is just one of those things you adore about her.

(WRITING A BOOK MY PALE ELFY ASS!)

While a normal person would consider spending months or years buzzing around someone wasted time, you know that a moment spent aggravating someone in the name of love is never wasted.

(SERIOUSLY GET AT LEAST ONE LIFE ALREADY)

So here’s to you, Mr. Virtual Stalker. YOU are a Real Avatar of Genius.

(REEEEAL AVATAR OF GENIUS!)

Yeah, it’s kind of like that.

Say you have a relationship with someone for like a year and a half and you keep putting up with their crap until one day you say, enough is enough, I’m breaking up with you. So, you break up with them, and you start seeing someone else like right away. And there’s a bit of a honeymoon phase but soon you realize that even though the rebound person is really nice and sweet and all, you’re just not feeling it. No fault of theirs; you’re just not that into them. Meanwhile your ex keeps calling and promising to change and so you give in and see them for a cup of coffee. And before too long you start remembering all the things you miss about your ex and despite all your best judgment you start seeing them again. But then before too long, your ex starts doing the stuff that really used to piss you off before.

Seriously, SL. Stop fucking crashing.

A “Dear John” Letter

For the past year and change now, I’ve made just about every single thing I do a display of my love for you. Maybe I took you for granted from time to time; but most of the time I would turn a blind eye to your faults, and defend you to my friends who just didn’t appreciate you the way I do. They didn’t see, didn’t remember, the *real* you that I saw. And day after day, I hoped that dormant version of you that I remembered from earlier days would emerge, and prove me right, and acknowledge all the tears and all the pain I invested in you. I honestly believed that if I loved you hard enough and loud enough, you would finally love me back.

But it’s becoming increasingly more obvious to me that what I seek is in fact a fool’s errand. Maybe you did really care about me at one time. Maybe you genuinely wanted what was best for me. But I watched you make one decision after another that made it unavoidably plain: you look out for yourself, and yourself alone. My feelings don’t make a damn bit of difference to you; all you care about is your bottom line. In fact I don’t even think you know that I exist anymore. Is this any way to treat someone who cared so deeply? Just toss me aside, like I’m a faceless nobody?

You only cared about me when it suited your own ends, I see that now. I’d held on so long to hope, to faith in the best in you, but it just is not there. It’s all a fantasy, and only now do I begin to realize it. I kept going back and going back to you, but I just can’t do it anymore. I’ve got nothing more to give, and I don’t want to waste what life I still have ahead of me on someone who never cared about me at all.

And so, Second Life, hard as it is to do, as used to you as I’ve become, I’m breaking up with you. It’s probably the wrong choice of words, since as far as you’re concerned we never had a relationship to begin with. But it was real enough to me.

So in the next few weeks I’ll collect my belongings, and pick up the pieces and move on. Maybe I’ll work on cultivating a friendship with OpenLife; maybe I’ll even start seeing Blue Mars. Or maybe I’ll just take some needed time for myself.

The better to hear inane bullshit with, my dear.

I think I need to figure out how to make drinks you can throw in other avatars’ faces. I think there’d be a market for them.

Little tip for guys, in SL and RL both: if you’re going to relentlessly hit on anything in a skirt, have something to offer. Honestly. Too many guys seem to think that “being nice” (ie, not being completely offensive) is enough. Let me clear that up: non-assholishness in a guy is a bit like wheels on a car; it should be standard, not a feature. So, great, the car has wheels. What else ya got?

I, for one, am old enough to not be blown away by “You look nice this evening.” Also? I’ve heard every stupid joke about my ears there is. Twice over. The one you’re thinking right now? Heard it. One of these days I’m really going to reply, “The better to hear inane bullshit with.”

Additionally, most women with more than two brain cells to rub together to make a spark do NOT appreciate being called “dear” or “honey” or “sweetie” right off the bat. Unless you’re a middle-aged waitress in a diner, it’s not cute. It’s creepy. It’s condescending. And my name is literally right over my head, so you have no excuse for not using it.

But, so, really, what do you have to offer a woman when you start hitting on her at the club? Did you read her profile? Do you have an opinion on anything? Do you have interests, hobbies, things you like to do? Talk about that. Say something like, “So, I see you don’t like talking tummies. I don’t either.” Something. In SL you’re not even just a machine that converts food to crap. This may shock some of you, but women actually are people. We have thoughts and ideas and feelings and opinions. Maybe if you talk to us like you’re remotely interested in said, rather than just “getting” a woman (like we’re some kind of wild game to “bag”), you’ll be pleasantly surprised to discover that there may be some that you enjoy being around because you enjoy them really as a person. Wouldn’t that be a hell of a thing?

So, to the one lounge lizard who was doing such a horrible job hitting on everyone in the bar that night, I will say, you do have something to offer. You gave me a topic for a blog post. What else ya got?

Tell me

I don’t know when it happened
Can’t put my finger at the start
But by and by it got to where
I’d let you in my heart
Maybe that first and only time
your lips had met with mine
And now today I burn inside
Every time we part

It seemed so very simple
I was always in control
Lonely nights and secrets
Began to take their toll
And fear and fantasy
Got their hooks in me
This love’s become a cancer
And it eats into my soul

(Refrain: )
Just tell me
Tell me you don’t love me
Tell me you don’t want me
It’s all you have to say
Then I can break free from this chain
Begin to heal from all this pain
And if it isn’t true, just say it anyway
Tell me that you just don’t feel that way

Some day I hope you’ll understand
Just why I had to leave
I never meant to hurt you
Never wanted you to grieve
It’s more than just a game
This poison love became
I won’t let it destroy us both
And it would, I believe

So (refrain)

(c)2009 Laura Foster

The Human Side of the Elf

For as long as I’ve been in SL, I’ve been an elf. I couldn’t just spell out why I made that decision, just that it’s what I’ve always been and what I’ve always felt like being.

This evening, I let a couple people see a more human side. I’ve said before, the hardest thing for me to let people see is Someone Who’s Hurting. I’m much more willing to show a pixellated nude body (after all, it’s not my own) than anything resembling coming apart emotionally.

Tonight a friend asked me in IM how I’m doing in RL, and I just started crying instantly. She didn’t see or hear it at the time of course, but there was something powerful and liberating about it. Like I was given an invitation to be me, myself, not my character. It’s still terrifying, however, to bring RL me into SL. I do SL to make the time when I’m hurting (physical or emotional) go by faster; a kind of anesthesia for when RL gets, well, like mine has lately.

What’s with that elf?

So it may well be that those who concern themselves with the day-to-day doings of my Second Life (of which I don’t believe–or hope–there are too many) are wondering what’s up with me lately. First I shut down the garb business, early last Summer. Then I start to plan a competitive games, and abort said plan. Then I start to plan a festival, and abort that too. Then the band retires from playing in SL. So what’s next? Is Clover’s Kitchen going to follow suit now too? Is this a precursor to my up and leaving SL for good?

No. That’s the short answer.

Some who are particularly close to me may even be wondering, is it me? Did I do something to piss her off? And the answer to that is absolutely not. If anything, you’re part of the reason I’m sticking around.

Well, so, here’s the long answer.

Behind the keys is a real person, always

OK, first thing, read this article: A Virtual Life. An Actual Death. It opens in another window; I’ll wait here.

Now before you mistakenly think that I’m posting this link as a way of saying “See? Gor is bad!”, I want to say that–much as I personally dislike the setting–I believe that Gor had little to do with the story of Carmen. It could just as easily have been any other RP setting, be it Steampunk or Harry Potter or Vampires or Star Trek. The setting really is but an incidental player in this drama.

What matters is how deeply someone with such a rational mind and a clear eye let herself get drawn in, emotionally. And I’ve seen so many people in SL do this (myself no exception), get sucked in to an emotional investment which in the end is so much fantasy. Building closeness and friendships and genuine trusts is a good thing; letting those feelings take over your life (first, Second, or otherwise) is dangerous.