I was inspired to write this a couple nights ago at work, where I’m a night cashier at a convenience store. A man asked me out of the blue if I got my Christmas shopping done, and I made the mistake of joking that I’m beginning to think the Jehovah’s Witnesses have the right idea. He then began, in dead earnest, telling me why Jehovah’s Witnesses have the wrong idea. It wasn’t a remotely awkward moment at all.
Oh, I don’t really celebrate Christmas
At least not how you do
It’s not like I got anything against it
It’s just not what I do
I don’t go in for Midnight Mass
Making lists or checking them twice
I don’t really celebrate Christmas
But I do hope yours is nice!
(spoken) No no, I’m not Jewish either. Or Jehovah’s Witness. Take it easy.
Don’t get me wrong, I like the lights
And wreaths and mistletoe
I’m rather fond of caroling
And new December snow (but just a little bit)
No I haven’t got my shopping done
I don’t intend to start
And no I don’t plan to cook a ham
Or mail six hundred cards, ’cause
(spoken) No, please, I’m not interested in why they have the wrong idea. It was a joke, chief.
Look, I don’t want to go to shops I hate
With funds I haven’t got
For people I don’t really know
Or else don’t like a lot
And yes, I’m working Christmas Eve
I know what you’re gonna say
Just save it please and buy your smokes
While I get holiday pay, ’cause
(spoken) Seriously, now you’re going to ask me why I don’t? Haven’t you been listening to the lyrics?
You shouldn’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to, you know.
Well… just remember, you asked…
I tried to believe since I was young
I just can’t help but doubt it
The whole idea just seems far-fetched
When you think about it
And if you do, that’s well and good
Your freedom I applaud
It’s just my personal belief:
There’s no such thing as… Santa.
(spoken while fading out)
I mean, come on, seeing you when you’re sleeping and knowing when you’re awake? Let’s be adults here.
And how can he be everywhere at once, and yet, nobody sees him?
Well, milk and cookies are hardly conclusive evidence.
So how come bad kids get XBoxes, and good kids who happen to be poor get, like, an orange in their stocking?
Oh no, not “mysterious ways”. Please.
Copyright 2012 Laura J. Foster aka Mistletoe Ethaniel. If you make money off this, I want some.