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Living with Type II Bipolar

A Twitter acquaintance who goes by @UnseenPerfidy shares an article on what it’s like to live with Type II Bipolar: https://medium.com/@UnseenPerfidy/dealing-with-bipolar-disorder-5ccbe6374228

Now while I don’t share his use for semantics on “being” vs. “having” Bipolar, I think it’s important to talk about. I’ve written on it here in the past, shortly after an online friend took his own life.

When you’re experiencing hypomania or depression, it’s really hard to put into words what it’s like to be feeling them at the time; and @UnseenPerfidy does, in my opinion, a pretty bang-up job describing it. In particular, I can relate to the feeling of impatience when other people can’t “keep up” with me.

I chatted a bit with him on Twitter and asked if addictive behavior is something that he’s noticed with his own Bipolar, and he says, yes. In his case, it was alcohol. In mine, I have such a fear that alcohol will become addictive that I stay away from it altogether. I was the kid who never went to a party in high school, who never got trashed in college, who never went out drinking with co-workers at the end of the day. My own addictive behavior tends to the much less self-destructive, but rather self-hindering (like the many years I spent not studying or getting decent work experience, pissing away my time on Second Life. I still piss my time away on Facebook. I gotta work on that. I’m only elven.)

Now, I’m working a full-time job and it is a decent one, but there are hours and hours I still piss away online. I’m not writing the book that I say I’m writing, for example. I’m not drawing or crafting or much of anything except drooling in front of social media.

So I need to work out a way to really make time to do something else. Replacing undesirable behavior with desirable behavior.

Anyway, check out Rob’s article, you might find it insightful.

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Following up

OK, so, my post yesterday. I really wasn’t expecting anyone to, like, DO anything. I was hoping, at best, for some “aw dude that sucks” and maybe a handful of Ls if I was LUCKY.

You guys are gonna make me cry and stuff.

My intent was to illustrate having a hard time staying on the wagon, just in case other people struggle too. I guess the moral of the story is, don’t fall off the wagon, talk about the struggle instead. You never know what will happen.

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I REALLY want to…

We’re struggling right now.

Lost job, waiting on payment for invoices, waiting on refunds, waiting on being put on the schedule for a new job, waiting for new health insurance, waiting, waiting, god damn waiting.

Rent’s paid for September, that’s a good thing. Got a T pass for September, that’s a good thing. Made a little cash playing music at the farmer’s market yesterday, that’s a pretty good thing. After we pay our gas bill, we got about $50 left for groceries for who knows how long, I’m running out of my meds (got enough for September), our health insurance is in flux, and the phone bill is due in 3 days. Not such good things.

I would REALLY love to be Mistletoe right now. I really want to log on and do some kind of fun thing and see Ls roll in and feel like I’m Doing Something. But I haven’t yet, I’ve stayed strong I guess. I even quietly closed Clover’s Kitchen when nobody was looking.

In case the Linden Fairy exists and is reading this, I still have my PayPal tied to Mistletoe’s account.

I’m stressed and tired and feeling like it’s my duty to save the day and be strong and I’m tired of being strong. I want to forget for a while. But I know if I log on, that while’s going to turn into 8 hours a day and the shit I have to do won’t get done. I have to see if I can get some kind of unemployment benefits, and/or food benefits, and/or prescription benefits, just to hold me over until I’m on the schedule and get the health insurance. Or until MONKEYS FLY OUT OF MY ASS Himself actually gets paid for work he did in JULY, let alone AUGUST. They keep promising him that as soon as X happens, they’ll put him on the payroll and he’ll have full time work AND benefits so amazing you’ll think a Unicorn farted them out and promises promises promises. A promise and five bucks would LITERALLY BE FIVE BUCKS MORE THAN THEY’VE GIVEN HIM. And he feels like he can’t speak up about the stick because if he does it might screw him out of the carrot they’re dangling.

So… yeah. Stressing hard, wanting to not think about it, doing my best to avoid the anesthesia.

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The Legend of Zynga

So I have a Facebook (under a pseudonym). And one day to pass the time I decided to log onto one of those stupid Facebook games. I KNOW that it’s a Skinner box and little more. I KNOW that they’re designed to maximize the amount of time, money, and social sharing spent on the game by the user, and that just about the very last thing on their list of priorities is FUN. The last straw on this particular game was when they changed their rules mid-stream and suddenly decided that in addition to spending a pile of gold, and time, on a thing, I NOW have to “hire” other FB friends to “open” the thing I just wasted my time and game money on. When himself asked me, “Is it still fun?” I couldn’t give an honest answer, because it wasn’t in fact ever really fun.

It made me nostalgic for games I played when I was a kid; and in particular, my all-time favorite, the Legend of Zelda (1986, NES). I played that for countless hours. This was in the days before the Internet so I couldn’t go online for hints or walkthroughs, and I was in a small rural area besides, so my siblings and I had to puzzle it out ourselves. And we LOVED it. Each new level, each time the little “You discovered something!” tune played, we were having FUN.

So, well, I got to wondering, what if that game had been made today?

Below are some images I put together with that idea in mind. I give you: the Legend of Zynga.
Continue reading “The Legend of Zynga”

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Heads Up

It really annoys me when I get offline IMs from people solely for the purpose of promoting their Next Big Thing.

They can’t be bothered to read the nice big capital letters in my profile that say “RETIRED FROM SECOND LIFE”. It’s like, you want me to do this thing for you (time and time again) but you can’t even do one little thing for me: read my fucking profile!

I friended you because I wanted to talk shop with you, or else actually be friends with you. Not to be your shill.

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Clo Can’t Cash Out

So I’ve been trying to cash Clover out. She’s the one with the Marketplace shop and is still getting some Ls here and there for it, so about a month or two ago I tied my PayPal that I use for Mistletoe to Clover’s account as well. Grand, right?

Except, Clover isn’t allowed to sell Ls. Um okay. I read why. As best I can understand, I gotta wait 30 days. So I do. So over a month later I go to cash out and nope, still not allowed to sell Ls with this avatar. So I enter the seventh circle of Hell open a ticket.

I get a nice confirmation email, hi, we got your ticket, we’ll look into the thing, if you want to comment on this ticket you can go here OK thanks have a nice day. I’m thinking, great, they’re on it!

A few days later I get another email: “We asked you for information three days ago.” (No you didn’t, I think) “You didn’t give it to us so we’re calling your issue resolved THANK YOU DRIVE THROUGH. Oh if you want to reopen it go here to this link.”

I go to the link, same as the “if you have any questions” link, and THAT’S where they have posted their request for information (which I’ll get to in a minute). How was I supposed to have known that they’d asked me for information? They didn’t email me this information. They didn’t email me anything saying “we posted a request for information, go here to see”. None of the above. I didn’t go to the link they emailed me in the first place because I didn’t have any comments, and that according to them was the only reason to check the link.

So hey, ya wanna know what they asked me?

My real full name
Date of birth
The last four digits of my payment on file OR the amount of my last known transaction.

Now, regarding the last bit, I get a couple Ls here and a couple Ls there pouring in every day, but, if I keep the emails, I’m sure I can find the last known amount at the time that I tell you (though that will probably change by tomorrow). I *might* be able to do that.

But, no, I’m not giving my real full name and date of birth. I haven’t yet so even if I did give it to you now it wouldn’t do any good.

Not that I even knew these questions existed before they closed my ticket.

But, fuck it. I just logged on Clover and gave the Ls to Mistletoe, who can sell Ls. We doin’ the Workaround.

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The Uncle Who Works for Nintendo

We all know the trope: you were about 11 years old, and you had that one friend who claimed he had an uncle who worked at Nintendo and that that’s how he had all this inside information and goodies from the world of gaming.

But what if the uncle really existed? Worse, what if the “uncle” is really a malevolent entity that devours kids– kids like you!

Written by Michael Lutz and illustrated by Kimberly Parker, The Uncle Who Works for Nintendo is a horror-themed interactive fiction game that you can play for free on your browser. It doesn’t take a very long time to play. You’re the 11-year-old protagonist, spending the night at a BFF’s house, when you learn that the BFF’s mysterious uncle who works for Nintendo is coming over at midnight. As hours tick by on the grandfather clock (have your sounds on when you play!) you determine how you interact with your BFF and slowly uncover pieces of the mystery surrounding this uncle. There are five possible endings to the game; once you achieve the fifth ending you learn how you can unlock the epic sixth (“real”) ending.

Once you “beat” the sixth ending, you unlock the author’s notes, in which Lutz talks about what inspired him to make this game, how the game accidentally wound up being topical in the midst of G*merg*te, what the “uncle” might symbolize, some history on Creepypasta, and so on.

I don’t want to spoil too much about the game’s story (if I haven’t already) but I can see how the “uncle” might be interpreted as the darker side of game addiction. Have a look for yourself and see, if you like.