Sometimes ice goes away ever so gradually, melting to water a few slow drops at a time. Other times it shatters, hard, sudden, with a shiver and a crack.
Depression’s like that too. And today the ice snapped and popped. I was thinking about my husband and my cat, and about how much they mean to me, and about how much it would hurt to lose them, and suddenly I felt this overwhelming bittersweet feeling of what himself calls “mysterious sad beauty” so profound that it made my heart physically ache. I cried, a little (I was at work so I reined it in), spontaneously; and I felt like I was alive and that it felt so beautiful to love someone enough to think about how much their loss would pain me.
That’s when I realized I’m not depressed right now. That for now, I’m free.
Lately I’ve been resolving to explore more, to get out of the skybox and go out and do fun things more (and plan events LESS). So when the message popped up on my screen to visit the World Goth Fair, and mentioned that the proceeds benefit the Sophie Lancaster Foundation, I said, what the hell!
I didn’t have a whole lot of money to spend there, which is a pity because if Ls were no object I’d have brought a LOT more home than I did. But I got this freebie dress from Evie’s Closet, and this makeup (with 100% of the proceeds going to charity) from Adore & Abhor. The parasol is my own, made last year as one of our SL9B freebies; and the boots (which you can’t see) I already had are from Lassitude & Ennui (but they’re available there at the fair too). I’ve always preferred the vintage-style, flowy type of goth for myself over the more modern leather & latex style, so I think I came away with some nice treasures.
There are all kinds of styles at the World Goth Fair, and you’re benefiting a really great cause when you go. So… get thee hence.
I’m currently in the “anxiety and irritability” portion of our program, but make no mistake, I’m on my way upward if slowly. Depression just really fucking sucks all around but at least I can see a way out of it, if long and slow.
Let’s see, let’s see, what news. The festival is over. Anytime I ever feel like spearheading a nine day event again, in particular when my availability is limited, do us all a favor and check me in. I’m officially certifiable for going forward with that and expecting different results.
That’s not to say it wasn’t without its moments of enjoyment. There were even some moments of outright fun (like blowing the grounds up…). And, none of it could have gone over without the help of my friends who were also my staff. And, to the performers and merchants who made it more than just a really pretty vacant lot.
But you see, a depressive crash hit me right square in the middle of it all. And with it came the “what the hell is the point?” described in the link above (seriously, GO READ IT). And so it means even more than it ordinarily would that those whom I could count on, stepped up and held things together while I tried holding me together. With the crash came the bitter disappointment of such low turnout, and by the time the second weekend rolled around, well, you had one elf ready to just throw in the towel and stay in bed. Which I pretty much did, on Saturday.
I can’t really state just how much of myself I end up pouring into things like this, so it’s hard not to take it personally when it falls miles short of expectation. So to everyone who said, “Mistletoe, this was a great event,” you made me cry. Which is a good thing because you got to my partially-frozen (due to the depression) heart and really made a difference. THAT, is the payoff I get for doing stuff like this.