For the past year and change now, I’ve made just about every single thing I do a display of my love for you. Maybe I took you for granted from time to time; but most of the time I would turn a blind eye to your faults, and defend you to my friends who just didn’t appreciate you the way I do. They didn’t see, didn’t remember, the *real* you that I saw. And day after day, I hoped that dormant version of you that I remembered from earlier days would emerge, and prove me right, and acknowledge all the tears and all the pain I invested in you. I honestly believed that if I loved you hard enough and loud enough, you would finally love me back.
But it’s becoming increasingly more obvious to me that what I seek is in fact a fool’s errand. Maybe you did really care about me at one time. Maybe you genuinely wanted what was best for me. But I watched you make one decision after another that made it unavoidably plain: you look out for yourself, and yourself alone. My feelings don’t make a damn bit of difference to you; all you care about is your bottom line. In fact I don’t even think you know that I exist anymore. Is this any way to treat someone who cared so deeply? Just toss me aside, like I’m a faceless nobody?
You only cared about me when it suited your own ends, I see that now. I’d held on so long to hope, to faith in the best in you, but it just is not there. It’s all a fantasy, and only now do I begin to realize it. I kept going back and going back to you, but I just can’t do it anymore. I’ve got nothing more to give, and I don’t want to waste what life I still have ahead of me on someone who never cared about me at all.
And so, Second Life, hard as it is to do, as used to you as I’ve become, I’m breaking up with you. It’s probably the wrong choice of words, since as far as you’re concerned we never had a relationship to begin with. But it was real enough to me.
So in the next few weeks I’ll collect my belongings, and pick up the pieces and move on. Maybe I’ll work on cultivating a friendship with OpenLife; maybe I’ll even start seeing Blue Mars. Or maybe I’ll just take some needed time for myself.