There are men out there– women too, don’t get me wrong– who get themselves into one bad relationship after another, and then wail and cry that the problem is that they’re just too damn nice.
News flash: that’s not the problem.
These misguided souls have somewhere along the line been taught an incorrect definition of the word “nice”, I guess. When you’re nice to someone, you’re genuinely kind and helpful to them. You may not always put them ahead of yourself, but you really do think of their point of view and their feelings before acting in a way that affects them. When you’re nice to someone, you’re honest with them (even when it’s hard) and you’re honorable with them.
Never saying “no”, especially when you wish to, is not being nice. It’s not being honest. It leads the other person to think everything’s all right when it isn’t. It can lead to hopes built on false promises which will most certainly get dashed later.
Keeping someone you supposedly love in the dark while you decide if you’re staying or going, again, is not being nice. You can rationalize it if you want, by saying you’re too nice to want to hurt their feelings. But the flaw in that is that you ARE hurting their feelings, considerably worse than if you’d just man up and spit it out. Usually when someone says they “don’t want to hurt their feelings”, what they’re really meaning is that they don’t want to SEE the other person’s feelings hurt. To do so is to see consequences first hand. The self-proclaimed “nice” aren’t so good with consequences. More on that in a bit.
Dumping the most honest friends you have unceremoniously and without a word is not being nice. Friends, REAL friends, will sometimes say things that are hard to say because they’re what needs to be said. True friends don’t follow you off a cliff; they hold you back and ask why the hell you’re jumping. And if you do something to upset them, making yourself a victim and then cutting them loose isn’t a nice thing to do to them or to yourself.
When you do something upsetting and get called on it, blaming everything in the world but yourself is not being nice. When someone is genuinely nice, you’ll remember my saying, they consider the feelings of the other person. Nice people realize their accountability, apologize, and try to make things right again. To be truly nice is to be brave.
In fact I wonder if somehow the words for “nice” and “cowardly” didn’t get somehow confused along the line for people such as this. Generally the people who repeatedly call themselves nice lack a basic form of courage. They lack the courage to be honest. They lack the courage to take accountability. They play the “I’ll be friends to try to get into her skirt later” game because they lack the courage to just ask her out then and there. They “don’t want to hurt” another person because they lack the courage to see the other person hurt.
A common complaint of the self-proclaimed Nice is that women (because we’re all in one hive-mind group) must prefer assholes, rather than “nice” guys like themselves. But I believe that the self-proclaimed Nice once again got their definitions mixed up. If you don’t consider another person’s thoughts and feelings, you take the cowardly way out, you act with an agenda, you don’t want to learn how to work through problems (because you’re the victim of course)… news flash, jackass. That’s an asshole.
Women who are self-confident and know what they want out of life can usually smell the desperation and see through the thinly-veiled attempts at “niceness” a mile away. That’s why the self-proclaimed Nice will often glomp onto women who themselves are lonely, lack self-assurance, or are needy. And then in doing so, they create a self-fulfilling prophecy of sorts: the only women they can “get” have baggage of their own; therefore, they decide all women must just be “crazy”. Of course, sometimes, they can get past our initial sensors and charm even the most independent and wise of us… for a while. But it gets spotted quickly enough, and it gets old really fast.
But fear not. There really is hope out there for the self-proclaimed Nice who want to learn how to grow and change and become actually nice. Those who don’t want to do a thing about it and think the whole world should just love them unconditionally just the way they are, well, sorry, can’t help ya.
It starts with realizing the common factor in “everything” going wrong for you, is you. You can’t control what other people do. You can, however, control what you do. And as soon as you realize that you ARE in control of what you do– for good or for ill– and that the consequences are yours to face and live with, then you may begin to get it. Maybe.