It’s been a rough week.
I haven’t been myself.
I don’t know who I’ve been in my place but never mind that. I had something rough in RL happen–a death in the extended family and legal problems to follow–and to keep from getting bogged down by grief and other RL normal human emotions I buried myself in SL. I do that. And I don’t just binge on SL, whoa no, I binge on work in SL. I take on as many responsibilities as I possibly can. Sure, everything gets a sliver of divided attention, but that’s one more bit of attention I don’t have to give to RL struggles. I know it’s not healthy. But that’s what I do.
And I did it up until I felt like everyone was wanting a piece of me and my alt simultaneously, and add to that being in a room with 2 talking pregnant tummies at once (oh and did you know the FOOD fucking talks too?!) and add to that a cat who–no matter where I move the laptop–wants to sit ON THE KEYS so he can swat at my face. I shorted out. Everything just locked up. I stood up, closed the lid on the laptop, and went to bed. Cried for an hour. Frustrated at the world but more than that at myself.
Sometimes, as my best friend on SL puts it, you just gotta go back to bed. And I realized today that he really is my best friend inworld and that I should tell him so, so I did, in addition to telling him everything that went on today and this week as a whole. I love that he’s there and looks out for me but doesn’t expect anything of me, other than what one would normally expect of a friend. And I don’t want my other best friend on SL to think this is a competition. I know her own RL has been very busy lately and it’s not as though I love her any the less. Love is not something you put into a measuring cup and eyeball the exact amount of, to compare the amount for one person with that for another. It’s just there and it’s real and that doesn’t change when it is real.
My friends watch me burning out long before I seem to want to acknowlege it.
Maybe my cat was saying “GET THE HELL OFF THE COMPUTER MOMMY! I’M HERE AND I’M FLESH AND BLOOD AND I’M NOT GOING AWAY!” At any rate we had some good snuggles and napping and playtime later on. Later tonight when I wasn’t doing anything pressing I let him commandeer the keyboard. Nobody was needing anything from me at that moment so I felt free to indulge him. So, yeah, my sudden poofing from the club Saturday night? That was me turning off the computer because I knew kitty wasn’t going to give me the keys back, heh.
In addition to my depression rearing its ugly head (why can’t it ever be the FUN “pole”?) I’m now experiencing sharp pains in my left wrist. Sometimes they shoot from my ring finger all the way to my elbow.
So. Left hand and kittycat, I’m listening to you. I’m going to try and take a full day off tomorrow. It’s hard for me to do, I admit, but I need to. And I’m sorry, even if the grid does spin off its axis, I need this. So you’re just going to have to get on without me. I’m confident you’ll find a way somehow.