I am certainly no authority on the art and science of cyber-sex. More experienced sorts would laugh at my track record, let alone my level of “game”. But, I like to think of myself as a quick study. I might not have done a whole lot, but I’ve learned from what I have done.
I’ve especially learned some of what not to do.
I’ve learned that godmodding is never a good idea. That’s when you tell me what I do, what I enjoy, or how I react. You have got to allow your partner that autonomy, even if you are playing like you’ve got the right to be the master by virtue of having a penis and she’s your brainless, soulless, feelingless slave girl who does what you want because you tell her to and not because she chooses to. Even if you get off on that sort of shit, the real life person behind the keys does have a brain and a soul and feelings and deserves the right to express what they think and feel. So instead of “I do xyz and you like it,” try, “Do you like it when I xyz?”
I’ve learned the absolute importance of being honest with everyone involved; and that your RL significant other is involved. I know there aren’t many husbands on the planet like mine. But there are some–they do exist–who are of the mindset that getting jealous of cybersex is akin to getting jealous of porn, provided the ground rules–whatever they may be–are followed. Different people have different ground rules, of course. Our one personal hard and fast ground rule is zero physical contact (with a cyber partner, that is; not with one another, ha!). As “Archimides” puts it (himself being a mathematician), unless and until there is RL physical contact then his problem with it equals zero. If and when there is a RL meeting, his problem with it equals one. I know another couple in which the husband has no problem with his wife cybering with another person–and even meeting in person–so long as that partner is a woman and not a man. So it varies. You’ve got to really be open and honest and clear as to what the ground rules are and where the lines lie.
That does not mean you should have to volunteer every sordid detail to your RL partner. I know I don’t! But if he were to ask me for details, I would. We’re pretty much fine with, “Honey, while you’re gone this week, I think I’m going to indulge in some cybering. I haven’t in a while.” “OK, dear; that reminds me, I should pack some porn for when I travel…” I don’t ask him what’s in his magazines and DVDs, he doesn’t ask me what was pretended to be done with whom and when.
I think a lot of people make the mistake of disregarding the importance of openness with your RL partner, or else are just too afraid to say anything. This leads to deception. When you go out of your way to deceive your RL partner, then it becomes cheating. The level of cheating may vary on a case by case basis, but dishonesty by omission is still dishonesty, and not good for your relationship.
If on the other hand you go into cybering with a clear conscience, it actually can enhance your RL sex life. If I get all hot and bothered playing out some fantasy on the computer, guess who I’m going to pounce afterwards!
Let’s see, some other important stuff I’ve learned. Cybersex is written erotica. Written, not text messaged between two phones. As Julien writes in The Cybersex Bible, a lazy-ass writer is a lazy-ass lover. If you can’t be bothered with writing out a complete word then what makes me think I’m worth your time? Now, a caveat to that, once things get hot and heavy it gets much harder to make the language center of your brain work for you. I think the blood gets to flowing somewhere else, for one thing; for another thing one’s hands often start to get more–shall we say, occupied. Multitasking. Some people naturally multitask better than others; so when the spelling starts to go downhill, have patience with them.
I’ve learned that just like the real McCoy, it’s important to make clear what you like and don’t like. As difficult as it is to read your partner’s mind, it’s 10 times more difficult when you can’t see facial expressions, hear vocal cues, or gauge physical reactions! So when your cyberpartner says “Baby, do you like it when I do xyz?”, give an honest (but kind) answer! If the answer is yes, no problem! If the answer is no, then say it in a way that isn’t hurtful to them; instead of “XYZ?! What the hell is *wrong* with you!” try “Well…it’s not my favorite, nothing personal. Maybe we could do abc instead?”
I’ve also learned that making clear where the line lies with a cyberpartner may indeed put a damper on the fun and spontaneity. But it’s a necessary step in avoiding confusion and the potential for hurt feelings down the line. This is for fun, I don’t want to be your girlfriend, I don’t want you to leave your wife for me, I’m not going to leave my husband for you, I don’t want to meet in person; this is just for play. If things turn into long term it’s a good idea to discuss that boundary every now and then in case things (i.e. feelings) change. And if the boundary changes with the cyberpartner, then things need to be discussed once more with the RL partner.
So, anyway, like I say, I may not have been ’round the block more times than the ice cream truck. Far from it. But I like to think I know what I’m doing here. Hope you’re learning as you go too.