Today has been one of those refreshing days where the air gets cleared in all kinds of areas. I mean, I’ve always been one for being frank and honest and getting things out, but sometimes it takes a while. Sometimes you have to know what’s in that needs to get out, to recognize it and decide what needs to be done with it. Then you have to say it in such a way that it is really clearly understood by the other person, and have them “get it”, and know that they “get it”, and then they say what needs to be said to you. It’s hard sometimes to see with clear eyes, and then really express clearly what needs expressing.

But today was the kind of day where it all just fell into place. I had a talk with an acquaintance/growing friend first, and I finally really “got it” that I need to back off as far as anything romantic or sexual is concerned. He’s come off a relationship that was really long and serious and ended in a painful way and it’s just going to take a long time before he can even begin to consider any kind of romantic or sexual interactions. I get it. Backing off is the right thing to do, it makes sense, and so that’s what I’m going to do. I like him as a friend and I’m fine with that.

Further, I was kind of gravitating toward him in that way lately partly because I feel like IFB (my satyr, from my stories) and I are drifting apart, and I was wanting a substitute in a pinch. I had to really sit back and ask myself, what is it that I want? And the answer is, I want someone that I can have a fantasy relationship with in a fantasy setting, that doesn’t lead to misunderstandings , that doesn’t expect me to leave my husband for him or leave whoever he’s with for me. Someone who can turn me on, who’s intelligent and literate (because face it, cybering is written erotica, and if they’re a crap writer then it’s a turnoff), someone mature and levelheaded, someone I can trust, someone I can respect, someone who’s available.

I’ve met people who are many of these things. I’ve met people who are all but one of these things. But there’s only one I’ve known who’s got all of these things. And that person is someone I know and have known for over a year. We bring out the best in each other when we RP together. Our lines between fantasy and reality meet in the same places. We’re not just on the same page, we’re in the same sentence. Why in the everloving hell would I try to replace this, to try to find what I’ve already got? That’s a fool’s errand.

So, we’re really going to try to make the time to meet like we used to. He can’t come to SL at all, that’s just a given fact (for which he feels guilty, despite what I say). I have several reasons for not returning to YPP: I have debts I can’t pay and would be pestered and bullied to pour blood from a stone, I loathe the politics so much that many of the people I never want to see again, and my out–my secret alt–isn’t secret enough. Too many people know. I just want to see and RP with him, really, that’s IT. So, we’ve decided, we’re going to start all over again on a new ocean. New characters, new story, new setting. It means less time spent on SL. I doubt that will kill me.

Finally, I had a talk with…oh I don’t want to say names here. Someone I’ve been crushing hard on for some time now; someone who’s got all the above qualities but one: availability. Told him about my talk with IFB and how I’ll probably be on SL less, and told him about really it’s foolish of me to try to replace what I’ve got already. He responded in such a way that it almost sounded like he thought I was dumping him, even though there’s nothing to be dumped from, so I also added, “Still, if you were available…;)”

He smiled and said that it does his ego good to know that, and I said, “Oh honey. I have a level of attraction to you the like of which I haven’t experienced since IFB and I first got together. Plus there’s the deep trust and respect that I need. But,” I added, “If wishes were horses, hm?” It felt so great to just say it to him. To really tell him what he means to me, to just lay it all out and have it there. And to show him I understand the way it has to be. That I get it. That if circumstances were different, the situation might be different; but they aren’t, so they can’t be.

I still wear the locket. I will as long as I can. But I’m seeing with eyes that are just a little clearer today, through air that’s just a little clearer.

Satyr story update tomorrow.